Thursday, Oct. 14, 2004
May be a bit triggery. I just have to get it out of my head, because it's not doing me any good keeping it there.
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There are some days where I am so full of self-hate I wonder that there is room for anything else. I thought I'd gotten over that, and for the most part I have. Every so often, though, it pops up full force and surprises me.
That's not a good thing to be surprised with. At least when it's always there, you're used to it, you can deal. When it's unexpected, there's no time to put the walls up. No chance for defenses. Nothing. It's just - there.
It's different this time. Not so obtrusive like before. It's more a gentle stroking of my brain, whispers, reminders. Stupid bitch. Worthless girl. It's too much, isn't it? Not worth sticking around. Don't eat, you bitch.
I found myself driving home yesterday thinking about exactly how I would do it. I could almost feel the gun in my mouth. I've "planned" it out before, but not this detailed. I thought about where I could buy a gun, what hotel to use, what to write to my husband to ensure he didn't find me.
And then I got home and smiled and had dinner and swore at John Kerry for fucking cheating during the debates and I was just damn fine, don't you know? Really, I was. Really. Heh.
I don't get like this often, but when I do it scares me. A lot. Because when I do, my husband is the only thing keeping me alive. Not even my family is enough anymore. I don't want to hurt him that badly. And yes I'm a selfish bitch, and yes it's stupid and pathetic and whatever. Fine.
I'm just afraid that one day I'll be here again. And that time, he'll no longer be enough.
~Em
--->Comment allez-vous?<---
break this - Tuesday, Mar. 01, 2005
long time no post - Monday, Feb. 28, 2005
give me a little credit - Thursday, Nov. 18, 2004
blink-free - Thursday, Oct. 28, 2004
end of days - Thursday, Oct. 14, 2004
