it's beautiful

I'm hot and tired and high on diet pills that I have no business taking. Oh well. It's the last one, and the only reason it's fazing me at all is because I've been off them for ages.

New favorite singer: Maren Ord. Go check her out.

I should have been writing in here all along, because I'm due for a long catch-up entry and have no energy or desire to write it. Naperville is lovely. I miss my fiance. I wanna go get married now.

I'm heavier than I've been in three years, and I swear if one more person tells me how good I look I'm going to shove my fingers down their throat. Okay, not really. I know I look a lot better, but I still hear those words as "fat, you're fat." Only as an echo. But the echo is still there.

I want to lose some weight, about ten pounds, just so my clothes fit loose again. I'm scared to, though. That would still be a pretty healthy weight, and my mind is pretty straight for a change. Still, I can't help identifying "lose weight" with "eating disorder." I sort of want to prove I can do it without slipping into that again, and I think I could.

This afternoon, though, I was hungry to the point of being dizzy. I found myself in that old position of loving the hunger, loving the dizziness, wondering how much longer I could go, liking the fact that the world tipped beneath my feet. Scared the crap out of me. I came home and immediately ate some cottage cheese and banana nut bread, and I'm going to meet Mom for dinner.

I need a membership to a gym here. I haven't exercised in ages. I've been taking the dog for jogs in the forest preserve, but that's more for fun than exercise.

And here I am again, ignoring the bother of writing about feelings and the life that I really am living, and choosing instead to play weight obsessed freak.

My sister said something to me the other day about feeling like she was fat, and I told her she certainly wasn't. She said "You just do NOT understand." I gave her a look and said "I think I, of all people, would understand. You know what the best advice I could give you is? Get over it." So simplistic, and I know it's not as easy as that, but in my mind these days that's what it boils down to. Get over it, Em. People are too busy focusing on themselves to notice that you actually possess a butt now.

So. On with the show.

~Emma~

What I'm reading: Lord of the Rings. Trying to, anyway.

What I'm hearing: "Beautiful" by Maren Ord

What I'm wishing: That the Good Fairy (aka Mom) will surprise me with a membership to Lifetime Fitness.

Song Quote: "Open your eyes, take my hand, take a look at where you stand. It's not that hard, just take a step back my friend and see this world we're living in...it's beautiful."

--->Comment allez-vous?<---

earlier later

break this - Tuesday, Mar. 01, 2005

long time no post - Monday, Feb. 28, 2005

give me a little credit - Thursday, Nov. 18, 2004

blink-free - Thursday, Oct. 28, 2004

end of days - Thursday, Oct. 14, 2004

Clix me! (Pretty please?)