drug-induced something

I want off the drugs.

I just want off the damn drugs.

I will expound upon the virtues of antidepressants until my lips go numb; still, I want off the drugs.

I am tired. I am tired of feeling like shit all the time. I am tired of always having headaches and not being able to eat real food during the day and feeling like there is something in my system that shouldn't be there. I am sick of night sweats and constant low-grade fevers.

I've been on them for four years. I can't remember myself without them.

When I had surgery last week, I didn't take any of my medication for several days because I wasn't eating enough. Aside from the pain from the surgery, I felt better than I have in months. Physically, anyway - I don't know what I felt like mentally.

I started the meds again this week and once again feel like my spine is trying to crawl out through the base of my skull.

I hate it. If I'm going to be depressed, let me be depressed. Hell, I am anyway. Why do you drug me on top of it?

I have actually considered taking cans of Ensure to work for lunch in an attempt to get something resembling balanced nutrition during the day. The idea of real food before about 5 pm makes me nauseous. I wonder if it's not eating any protein in the daytime that is making me feel like shit?

I see my pdoc Friday and I want to tell him all this. At the same time I want to keep taking my meds like a good little girl and stay as far away from the psychiatrist as possible. I'm not hiding anything; I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't want to "manage" my depression. I want to ignore it.

Yet I remember what it was like not being able to function normally. I see how I am now sometimes, even on medication. I can't go there. I can't do it. I will lose my job. I'll never get to grad school.

I still want off.

~Emma~

Reading: The Magic Daughter by Jane Phillips

Hearing: Outside sounds

Wishing: That I could feel normal.

--->Comment allez-vous?<---

earlier later

break this - Tuesday, Mar. 01, 2005

long time no post - Monday, Feb. 28, 2005

give me a little credit - Thursday, Nov. 18, 2004

blink-free - Thursday, Oct. 28, 2004

end of days - Thursday, Oct. 14, 2004

Clix me! (Pretty please?)