Thursday, Jan. 22, 2004
It's one of those days where everything about me feels wrong. I don't fit. I sit in class feeling like an intruder, like I don't deserve to be there (which I probably don't). I am dead silent - I'll talk to you if you say something first, but a real conversation? With me? Nope. I'm completely intimidated.
In situations where I can play a role, I'm fine. Job interviews, stuff like that, great. I am perky and well-spoken and completely normal, if a bit silly. I get along great with kids, and people older than me, but in my peer group, I'm lost. I've always been that way. I feel like there's an arrow hovering over my head. It flashes "stupid" over and over.
See, the thing is, I'm not so odd, so different, that I stand out. I do everything possible to blend in that it's almost funny. I very rarely wear clothes that show off my figure. Hell, I spent a good few years trying to disappear completely.
I am a contradiction. I like reading non-fiction, and literature; I also like a good trashy romance. Lately, I've been switching between old choral music and Hillary Duff in my car. I love weird, obscure arty films; I'll watch crap like Center Stage and The Horse Whisperer over and over. I'm as excited over going to the ballet as going to a good concert. It feels like no matter who I'm around, I have to hide some part of me. I can count on one hand the number of people I can completely be myself around.
Maybe that's not so unusual.
Still, I'm 24 years old. Shouldn't I have outgrown all this a LONG time ago
In class today, I learned that Isaac Newton died a virgin. So life could be worse. ;-)
~Em
Reading: Carriers (book about an Ebola-like virus, quite cool)
Hearing: Afterglow
Wishing: That I wasn't such a damn mental case.
--->Comment allez-vous?<---
break this - Tuesday, Mar. 01, 2005
long time no post - Monday, Feb. 28, 2005
give me a little credit - Thursday, Nov. 18, 2004
blink-free - Thursday, Oct. 28, 2004
end of days - Thursday, Oct. 14, 2004
