Tuesday, Feb. 10, 2004
I feel so strange. Numb and drained and empty, like when you've just finished sobbing. And yet I still feel like I could cry for days. At least I'm no longer shaking and terrified of nothing. Lay me down and I think I'd sleep for twenty-four hours straight. Everything is in slow motion.
I have a wonderful pdoc, y'all. He squeezed me into a meds check spot and talked to me for an hour. We talked about Sunday night, but also about how whacked out I was getting last week, so irritable and restless. I didn't go to work on Friday because I seriously thought I couldn't deal with people all day. He's thinking I may be Bipolar II, which my old pdoc thought as well, but as the few hypomanic eps I have aren't bad, putting me on mood stabilizers would probably be over medicating. He gave me stronger Ativan for panic attacks, and Ambien so that maybe I can get more than 4-5 hours of sleep a night. Some people can get by on that, but I can't, and by the end of the week I've built up such a sleep deficit that on Saturday and Sunday I'll easily sleep 12+ hours a day. But for some reason, no matter what time I get up in the morning, my body refuses to fall asleep before midnight.
So yeah, I'm okay. I'm hoping the way I feel now doesn't continue; I don't enjoy walking through a fog and feeling like the world is running at half-speed. But it's better than wanting to hurt myself, no? I'm fighting to keep coming to work. I left a couple hours early (after my doc appt.) yesterday because I was so drained I could hardly walk straight. So I'm here today, and I have class later, and I'm just hoping I can stick it out. I'd still be angry with myself for cutting if I felt anything. But I don't, so I'm not. Yet.
BTW, does anyone know of some weird thing teens are doing with Dramamine these days? Mom found an empty box of it in my sister's room, which would be fine...except my sister doesn't have motion sickness. Just wondering.
I'm really lonely today, so I'll probably be back later. I miss my hubby.
~Em
Reading: The Defiant Hero (twit-ish book)
Hearing: "Dave Barry in Cyberspace"
Wishing: To feel normal.
PS: Should I laugh really, really hard at the fact that my department head just asked me if I was pregnant? Cause apparently (according to her) my behavior seems like I'm pregnant? Sheee-it. Woke me up, anyway.
--->Comment allez-vous?<---
break this - Tuesday, Mar. 01, 2005
long time no post - Monday, Feb. 28, 2005
give me a little credit - Thursday, Nov. 18, 2004
blink-free - Thursday, Oct. 28, 2004
end of days - Thursday, Oct. 14, 2004
