Sunday, Feb. 22, 2004
Sometimes, I feel like I'm still a teenager. I never was one, really. I was too busy being Little Miss Perfect. I don't remember feeling many of the things that go along with adolescence; I know I must have, because I can read my journals and see some of it there. All in all, though, it's a big blur, punctuated by plays and concerts and awards and everything that made me feel I was of any value.
I watched "Thirteen" tonight, and I could relate so much. The thing is, I can relate *now*, and that's strange. In high school I was as naive as you can imagine. Sex? Why? I was too busy to worry about guys. I wore big t-shirts to hide my breasts and did everything possible to blend in. I was happy, though. I was oblivious - how could I not be happy? My whole goal was never to make waves, never upset my parents, never give them any reason not to love me. I succeeded; thus, all was well.
I didn't go through "adolescence," so to speak, until college. It was so much easier. My parents were four states away - rebelling is much easier when there's no one around to say or do anything. It wasn't even rebelling, really. I imploded. That was the eating disorder, the cutting, the depression I have yet to dig myself out of. I'm disturbed by the possibility that that was the real me all along. I could do all the good things in the world, and it wasn't enough anymore.
I'm 24, I'm over it. Sometimes, though, I still feel that thirteen year old inside, screaming to get out. I suddenly want to play with clothes and shoes and makeup. Since when did I give a shit about that? I was always told I was so mature, while now I feel anything but. 24...I shouldn't be cutting at 24. I shouldn't be hormonal and moody and sullen at 24. I shouldn't feel crazy anymore at 24. This is the time when I'm supposed to be mature and successful and poised. I should be used to living in the world. Instead, I feel like I'm still taking my first steps into it.
And maybe this is just tonight. I don't feel like this all the time. That's just it - I don't know how I'm going to feel most of the time. I'm on some weird emotional roller coaster. I've spent the last three weeks irritable and energetic; this weekend I crashed and now all I want to do is stare at a wall.
I wish I could feel normal. I wish I could feel full. I wish I could stop feeling like I'm waiting for something. I wish I didn't look at the next fifty years and see absolutely no point to them at all. If it weren't for my husband, I don't know if I'd even try.
God...I feel like such a melodramatic bitch. But what do you do with this stuff? Where do I put it if not here?
~Em
--->Comment allez-vous?<---
break this - Tuesday, Mar. 01, 2005
long time no post - Monday, Feb. 28, 2005
give me a little credit - Thursday, Nov. 18, 2004
blink-free - Thursday, Oct. 28, 2004
end of days - Thursday, Oct. 14, 2004
