near to falling

This was kind of a rough weekend. I had a panic attack on Sunday - heart racing, couldn't breathe, hyperventilating, all that fun stuff. If I've had one like that before, I don't remember it. Zach had me curled up in his arms, trying to talk me into breathing, and when it was over I could barely move.

To be honest, it was humiliating, even if it was only in front of my husband. I can't believe I let myself lose control like that. I had already taken two Ativan, so any more was out. I'm not real sure what specifically set me off, but there have been a lot of stressors in my life lately.

• Zach had a cold, which means he was coughing a lot, which means I was constantly on edge. I've come to realize that I have a real fear of the sound of someone coughing. It feels like a little burst of adrenaline each time, and those add up. ;-) The closer (emotionally) the person is to me, the worse it is. I don't know why. Talk about *weird* phobias!
• I have an exam due on Thursday that I've barely started, in a class I don't feel like I belong in, about things I'm not sure I understand. Oh, and reading assignment and mini-paper due tomorrow.
• I spent most of last week wondering if I was pregnant. I'm not; I just felt shitty. Still.
• My sister cares about nothing and no one but herself. I wish I was exaggerating. She guilt-tripped my father for missing her 18th birthday dinner so she could get out of going to classes (that she's failing). Know why he missed it? His cousin and best friend needs a liver transplant. One became available, and Dad is next of kin as well as power of attorney, and had to go up to the hospital. Of course, it came up on T's birthday. God forbid. I could give more examples, but I don't think there's enough storage space on this account. This is just Tiff; it's how she has been since she was four years old. It's gotten worse over the years, but it's something engrained in her personality. I have come to realize that I love her because she's my sister. That said, if I never talked to her again, it wouldn't bother me much. That hurts.

I guess I don't feel like any of that should be that stressful. Not enough for a panic attack. I feel so angry. I know I can't trust my brain, but it seems like every time I turn around it comes up with a new way to tell me it's not on my side. I've been on the goddamn Ativan most of the week.

I need some support, someone who has been through this and knows what I mean. My friend J has been there, but she cannot carry on a conversation without turning it to herself. It becomes a competition for her over who's worse off, and she loves, LOVES, playing the martyr. I can talk to my dad, but sometimes he just ends up bringing me down even more.

I've been listening to the BNL song "War on Drugs" a lot. It's some good stuff.
And the very fear that makes you want to die
Ends up the same as what keeps you alive,
It's way more trouble than some suicide is worth...
Won't it be dull when we rid ourselves of all these demons haunting us to keep us company?
And won't it be odd when we're happy like we always thought we're supposed to feel, but never seemed to be?

Yeah. They get it.

I don't.

~Em

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earlier later

break this - Tuesday, Mar. 01, 2005

long time no post - Monday, Feb. 28, 2005

give me a little credit - Thursday, Nov. 18, 2004

blink-free - Thursday, Oct. 28, 2004

end of days - Thursday, Oct. 14, 2004

Clix me! (Pretty please?)