numerics

I don't know. I don't know where to start or where to go with it. I don't know what to say so I guess I will just let it spill.

I don't want to be thinner; I don't want to lose weight; I have to lose weight. It's not about the mirror, it's about the number. Isn't that weird? I don't get it. It's not about how I look at all. It's about the tag on my clothes and the number on the scale and the inches on the tape measure. Numbers, all numbers. Because my eyes lie anyway, so why ask them?

I've dipped below 1XX for the first time in a couple of years, and I am both ecstatic and scared. Ecstatic is self-explanatory. Smaller is better, duh, everyone knows that (says the bitch in my head). Scared, though...scared is because now I have to keep it there. I have to. Add a pound or two and I am bad again.

1XX is my "compromise" weight. My husband thinks I should weigh 10 pounds more; I think I should weigh 10 pounds less. So I stay right near it, maybe a few pounds over, and we're both okay. Going below it is a delicious secret.

And I cut just a couple of things from my daily food routine, but now I can't put them back, and I want to cut more but I can't because then I can't put THEM back either, but then how can I make the number lower?

And how the fuck do I admit that deep down I don't want to be thinner? Not much, anyway, just a little. Every woman wants to lose weight. Who the HELL am I to think that I might be okay the way I am? Where do I get off?

So it's not about thinner; it's about lower numbers and less and smaller. Different things. I don't get it.

Told you I didn't know.

~Em

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earlier later

break this - Tuesday, Mar. 01, 2005

long time no post - Monday, Feb. 28, 2005

give me a little credit - Thursday, Nov. 18, 2004

blink-free - Thursday, Oct. 28, 2004

end of days - Thursday, Oct. 14, 2004

Clix me! (Pretty please?)